ET 2: IN THE BATHROOM
by StupidSequel
Summary: When Elliot accidentally breaks the toilet, his family has to get a new toilet, and they get one that actually turns out to be an interplanetary device. An accident involving a gruesome death calls for a harsh new law to make toilets safer. Meanwhile Michael has turned evil and wants to enslave E.T.'s race and humanity because of an insult Elliot used somewhere in the first movie.


**E.T. 2: IN THE BATHROOM**

**Plot is based on Gooflumps-Stay out of the Bathroom, Commander Keen 3, and the South Park episode 'Reverse Cowgirl'. Somebody please show NintendoCapriSun this fanfic.**

Elliot was beginning to miss his crush, I mean, alien friend E.T. He never even learned his name. "Man, how am I supposed to go to his home planet? I know nothing of how to build my own spaceship, and school is too hard."

When Elliot was in the bathroom taking a dump, the toilet shifted to the left slightly. There was a fountain of icky toilet water flooding the bathroom floor.

"AW CRAP! The crapper has crapped out on me!" He put his plumbing skills to good use by attempting to cover the base with duct tape strips and super glue it down. The water still was spraying out. "If I don't fix this ASAP, dad will think I did it."

"You'll think I did what?" Elliot's dad was now in the bathroom. He asked that in a tone that you don't wanna tell you're a brony.

"Um, I installed a new water fountain. Aren't ya thirsty?" Dad narrowed his eyes.

"I am calling a plumber to have this fixed. Until then, the sink is the new toilet."

"Whatever." Elliot sat atop the sink and did his business. He then made their new Sphinx cat lick his hands clean. The cat made a slightly disgusted face.

The plumber came over, went in the bathroom, and inspected everything.

"You're gonna need a new toilet. There is nothing else I can do. Good thing I didn't sneeze or else there would be particles of your existing toilet floating around the air, with the residents of this house breathing it in every millisecond.

"How much does a toilet cost?" Dad asked. The plumber showed him a catalog of toilets.

He pointed to a toilet that looked like an art project.

"This toilet right here made entirely of papier mache and held together with scotch tape costs only four dollars. You'd have to be stupid not to buy it. This is a very good deal. It does everything a regular toilet can do."

"Shut up and take my money!" Dad ejaculated. No, I don't mean _that. _Please, put hand sanitizer on your dirty mind.

"But dad, are you sure you wanna-"

"First thing tomorrow, we're going to the toilet store to buy this toilet. Four dollars! I've never paid such a good price for a toilet ever."

"Most things like that are too good to be true. This one might be too."

"Oh son. You're so stupid."

One day later, they went to the toilet store to go toilet shopping. Sure enough, the papier mache toilet was in stock. The price sticker said $3.99.

"Can I help you?" A salesperson dressed as a urinal and wearing a backwards hat came up to them.

"I want that toilet right there."

"Strange. Everyone else does too. Must be a super bitchin' toilet."

After the new toilet was installed, um, I'll get to that... right now!

Elliot ran to the bathroom doorway. From there he went in the bathroom, and sat on the toilet just in time for his diarrhea to come out. When he was done, he accidentally slipped and fell in the toilet. "HELP! AUUUGH!" He felt himself being sucked through a long winding tunnel.

He landed in something wet. It looked like he was in a sewer.

"E.T.? Am I glad to see you again. How did I get here?"

"I have a name you know. My name is Kleeborp. And you are coming with me."

Elliot found himself inside a bubble with several other people. Elliot's brother came face to face with him.

"Hello, Elliot.

"You let me out of here right now."

"Sure, whatever. Just as well. I am taking over E.T.'s home planet to brainwash all his fellow alien botanists. Go ahead and tell all your earthly folk about my evil scheme. No one's gonna believe you anyway. You deserve all this for when you called me penis breath. I'll have you know that I am one hundred percent straight. In fact, I had a girlfriend. Granted, the relationship lasted no more than about 30 seconds and we broke up cuz I told her I didn't know her name, but I THINK ORAL SEX ON ANOTHER MALE IS DISGUSTING!"

Elliot was back in the bathroom in his house.

"I can never use this toilet again. No one can."

His parents were watching a news story on about a little girl who died when she fell in the toilet and had her intestines sucked out.

The next day there was a knock at the door. It was a couple men with the TSA. "We're Toilet Safety Administration, or TSA, officials, and word on the street is that you have a toilet that doesn't have a safety harness attached. That is unacceptable because someone can fall in and end up like that poor little girl." Elliot silently whispered 'yes.' Those TSA employees would save everyone from being captured by Elliot's evil brother.

The TSA guys fiddled with the papier mache toilet and attached the safety harness. They also attached a surveillance camera to the ceiling. "Big Brother is watching you, making sure you wear that safety harness when you go to the bathroom. Anyone caught not wearing the safety harness will be subject to disciplinary action."

Gertie was finally toilet trained. She had to take a space shuttle up to the toilet seat cuz it was too high for her to reach. When she sat on it, she noticed the camera. She was too embarrassed to do anything. She then left without doing her business and went to the bathroom in the kitchen sink. When she was done, mum had to wash the dishes. The look on her face when she found out she had to wash the poop covered plates was priceless. On second thought, not quite. It was actually about $29.95. If you wanna see the look on Elliot's mom's face, please pay me $29.95. You can pay me, StupidSequel, by phone at 1-800-XXX-XXXX where the X's are whatever my actual IRL phone number is.

"I don't wanna go potty with that camera watching me."

"Agreed." Mom said. "Someone is taking pleasure in watching us go to the bathroom. That TSA crap has gotta go!

At the restaurant, there was a line of customers waiting for the restrooms. It was moving slow too because of the amount of TSA agents making sure they have no weapons or unusual instruments of any kind and making sure everyone uses the safety harnesses.

"For the last time, I'M NOT GONNA FALL IN!"

The next day there was a knock at the door. Elliot opened it. It was his brother.

"Mike Wazowski? Why on Earth are you here on Earth?"

"Hi. We urge you all to sign this petition urging the government to drop the Toilet Safety Administration. Nobody has the right to watch us go to the bathroom or make sure we wear safety harnesses. PRIVACY IS NOT A CRIME!"

"I will not sign it!" Elliot declared.

"Elliot and the government sitting in the tree. F-U-C-"

"That's enough, penis breath!" Elliot spat, and then covered his mouth.

"Do not call me that pl0x. That insult was the entire reason I enslaved the alien species you care about so much. I would rather be called Justin Bieber's brony transgendered wife than… that!"

"Oh boo hoo! The plants on E.T.'s home planet are dying because you're mind controlling them into building those toilets. Have a heart, will you?"

"I only let you free cuz you're my only brother and my favorite person, but no one's gonna believe you anyway. Either you sign this petition or I will forge your signature."

Elliot didn't like having his signature forged, so he signed the petition.

"Excellent. Now on to the next house." Mike got into his sleigh pulled by reindeer.

_If the guberment drops the toilet safety administration, then everyone will be free to fall into one of those papier mache looking toilets and end up on E.T.'s home planet where Mike can just use them as mind control slaves and back on Earth, their android counterparts replace them. I'd better tell everyone this plausible story._

The following week was a town meeting. "Oh no! They're dropping the TSA!" Elliot panicked as he read the sign with the attachable letters that got changed every three years or so.

Elliot ran as fast as he can past the rows and rows of chairs up to the podium.

"Everyone! I have something to tell you! My brother is only urging everyone to drop the TSA NOT because of guberment shit but because the toilets are actually interplanetary tunnels he is using to capture people and aliens, and it's all because I called him penis breath one time, and all thru the first E.T. movie he secretly had this pent up rage and he finally snapped, so now he wants to take over the universe by enslaving everyone and everything and replacing the real humans with android dummies."

"A ha ha ha ha! You should be a science fiction writer!"

"No, more like a crack fic writer. That sounds like an idea for an awful crack fic story. I need to write down the idea so I don't forget."

"Are you drunk?"

"NO! I swear it's true!" Elliot pressed. Just then the police barged in and pointed walkie talkies at him.

"Get down from the podium or we'll shoot!" The scared look on Elliot's face was priceless. Then it turned into an angry look.

"NO! The TSA is a valuable lifesaving tool and I won't let the goberment take it away so everyone can just accidentally fall in and end up on E.T.'s home planet!" A bullet fired out of the police officer's walkie talkie. Elliot had been shot.

"Sorry, but I had to."

"Dude, he's just a kid. That wasn't necessary."

"Well, I didn't think it would work since people don't usually use walkie talkies as guns."

After Elliot got out of the hospital, he remembered the reindeer that Michael used earlier after he signed the petition. No, it was not just a one-off gag. I am going somewhere with this.

The next day was Christmas. Elliot stayed up all night, being watchful for Santa. When Santa finally came down his chimney, Elliot greeted him with a 'boo' that was louder than a train whistle. Santa nearly fainted.

"I need your help. No one believes me about the toilets that go to other planets or my evil brother, so I need to hitch a ride on your sleigh. May I borrow it pl0x?"

"Hmm... can it wait till tomorrow morning? I have to deliver all these billions of presents all over the world. After that, sure, but don't waste any time because I need to return to the NSA to watch the next round of naughty or nice boys and girls."

"Maybe you could use some help? I could help, and it should take half the time if my math is correct."

"Hmmm, I never thought of that. Okay. Climb aboard." Santa took off with Elliot in the back seat and the speed of the sleigh made Kingda Ka feel like piggyback on a slug. Elliot's face nearly slid off.

While Santa was unloading presents from his bag, Elliot snuck into the bathroom, detached the papier mache toilet if there was one, and smashed it with a sledge hammer. Every time he did that, a faint scream was heard. I will spare all the boring details, but he did that in every house that had a papier mache toilet.

On Christmas morning, everyone who had bought a papier mache toilet had to use the kitchen sink as the toilet because the toilets were all smashed. Nobody complained because that meant the end of the Toilet Safety Administration. Having to wash poop covered plates was well worth it. Michael was stuck on E.T.'s home planet with no way out, and so was everyone he captured. But they all liked it better because there was no pollution and no global warming.

(AN: The beginning and end credits play some kind of Skrillex-like music.)


End file.
